P.G. Smith Author

I know this won’t be a popular point of view right now, but all the more reason to express it. Like many people, I have long been concerned about the deep division in American society, and how to build bridges or create conversations to defuse it. Obviously, it does us no good only to talk to people who already agree with us. (nor does it help to exclusively watch news and media outlets that simply reflect our own preconceived views, which is another version of the same thing.) These habits only entrench division. But what do we do about it?

Overall, I admit that I don’t know, but I do know one thing. We–all of us–have to stop treating politics like a football game. All or nothing. One side wins; one side loses. Far too many people, maybe most of us, think that the answer to our division is that one side should win so decisively, and keep winning for long enough that it can overpower the other side into silence and submission. We should know by now, that this will never work. Silence and submission are not agreement. The division remains, loudly protesting or quietly simmering, waiting for its chance to crush the other side. We have been doing exactly this for decades. It does not work. It cannot unite us. We have to get rid of this attitude.

Don’t expect politicians to do this, or political commentators, or anyone who makes a living by being sensational enough to create a reaction. But we ordinary people could do it. We, the ordinary people could refuse to perpetuate the rah-rah for my team and a pox on the stupid, radical other side attitude. The us versus them attitude that is so out of control today. And how do we do it? It so happens that I have a couple of suggestions you, yourself can do and encourage your friends to do, right now today. (I’m not saying it will be easy.)

1. Practice engaging without confrontation. Teach yourself to talk in a way that does not (or at least is calculated not to) offend people with opposing views. Learn diplomacy and de-escalation. Learn to practice respect for views you don’ hold.

This takes practice, and it will not be easy because much of what we say today is based on or peppered with short cuts: labels and (often unexamined) assumptions that act as triggers for people who disagree with you. We all need to learn to identify and avoid these triggers.

Labels are easy to identify but very hard to get rid of. Some people think we should stop using them altogether. There is something to be said for this, but I don’t think it’s possible. We need our markers and short cuts. If we eliminate one, we will replace it with another.

I once suggested that we all stop being Democrats and Republicans. If we all registered as Independents, maybe the candidates would have to run on the issues, and maybe they would be less controlled by party platforms. I still think it’s a good idea.

Some labels that were once just descriptive have become toxic to half the country, among them: Democrat, Republican, liberal, conservative, progressive,(I won’t even mention socialist.) So, I suggest that in the interest of promoting respectful conversation, we replace all of them with the labels: traditionalists and reformers. These words haven’t been used enough to be corrupted yet, and they are descriptive, I think, of the (positive) differences between the two sides of our great cultural divide. I don’t think either side would be offended by these labels, although they might be initially confused. Consider the two sides.

What is common to Democrats, liberals, and progressives, in general? They are reformers. They look at their society and they see problems: pollution, poverty, homelessness, hunger, illiteracy, inequality, discrimination, lack of adequate health care, housing, and education (just for starters.) And they think government should address those problems. Their focus is on problems they think government should fix, and they usually have plans for how to do it. They are reformers.

And what about Republicans or conservatives? They look at the country in terms of a particular image or lifestyle–an American way of life that includes family, home, country, free enterprise in the form of capitalism, certain values including responsibility, loyalty, self-sufficiency, and for many, faith, especially the Christian faith. Their focus is on a traditional iconic American way of life that must be preserved and protected. They are not thinking about the problems of the past, but rather what was good about it. What needs to be preserved. They are traditionalists.

Of course, I am greatly oversimplifying. There are many points I didn’t raise in the interest of limited space, but I think it would go a long way toward enabling ordinary people like you and me to talk about our concerns if we could view the two sides of the divide in those terms. What do we need to hold on to, and what do we need to reform, and how could those two fit together, or at least be balanced against each other?

2) Practice not reacting quickly or automatically. Teach yourself (by practicing) not to take offence, not to take things personally, not to shoot from the hip, like you’re in a duel, when someone with opposing views makes comments that are offensive to you.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t respond. (That’s what we usually do now: either fire back or don’t answer at all. That’s what isn’t working.) You should respond but try this. No matter what they say (well, almost anything) imagine that it is reasonable or could be reasonable if it were expressed differently. Imagine how you would express it if you were trying to make their underlying point. Ask them why they think so. What is it that they are actually concerned about. If you can find that, it should be something you could talk about respectfully. Even if you don’t think their concerns are legitimate, acknowledge that they are real; because they are. Maybe you will have a chance to understand their view better and get them to consider or at least listen to yours a little. That is a step toward common ground. It’s called respect. We’ve lost an awful lot of that.

Of course, a lot of people haven’t thought through their views at all. They are just repeating sound bites or slogans they have heard. But even if that’s true, especially if that’s true, you have a chance to get them to think a little, by asking them why they think what they do and why they think it’s important. And then actually listening to what they say.

Over time, you may develop a better understanding of what they think, and how to respond to them. And you may learn that there is something in their view that needs to be included in yours. Maybe things are not as black and white as we are all being trained to think.

3) Don’t expect to resolve anything on the spot. You are not in a debate

Arguing with each other is what we have to stop doing. This is just a conversation. It is a means of reaching out to each other–to understand each other better. You ask for their views, and you give them yours. Then you can both go home and think about it later, at your leisure, without pressure. Try it. Maybe we can learn to talk to each other with respect.